I listened to the stirring of leaves in the wind
Awaiting the rest to which they'd come,
But didn't.
In a season of wandering I was aware there'd be but one
Movement and it was all movement, mostly for show.
Stillness would reveal weakness
I wanted nobody to see.
Some said, There's no time limit to your grief.
Some said, This will pass, but never really pass,
You will learn to accept the reality of it.
Some said, You are so strong.
I wasn't.
I listened to the wind and knew or thought or hoped
When it calmed, my heart would beat a little faster
And I would smile again,
Not to belie my emotions, not
To stop friends from saying the right thing,
Not because I am supposed to
Develop and change and continue solo,
But because something I heard in another time
Took its hold in memory until movement
Dispelled it. I felt hairs stand; a chill
– not icy death – but refreshing awareness.
I heard peals of laughter.
Sadness became someone else's burden
– and I no longer heard the wind,
Only something I had heard before.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Untied
Roy told me on the one day that we were alone and shopping in New Jersey malls for luggage to replace my tattered bag for my return trip and to fit all the books and movies I’m taking back with me, “Artie has no reason to make a move now. He’s got a good deal paying only nine hundred dollars for the use of the whole house.” So back at my apartment when Adrienne is talking loudly on the phone with her sister Felicia, and trying to calm Felicia, who is apparently ranting again about how her ex-husband Charlie is such a shit because he won’t come up with his quarter of the mortgage, I don’t feel her distress.
Roy says to me in a low voice, “Never, ever get involved financially with family.”
Tears are welling in Adrienne’s eyes and I’d like to sympathize, but either my brother or she has already explained to me that Felicia was having her mental problems when the four of them went in together on the house. It was a bad deal from the outset. Charlie soon grew tired of Felicia’s seemingly convenient seizures and walked away from her and the two kids. When she left the house, she rented her half to tenants at a profit which she shared with nobody, but since they have left her extra income has evaporated. Adrienne separated from Artie when she took up again with Roy after twenty-four years apart. She moved in with Roy who has been living in my apartment while I teach in Mexico. Artie is the only person still living in the house in Staten Island.
Now, trying to sell the house is presenting difficulty. And I had to pick this week for a visit home while Adrienne is going through PMS.
They have adopted an affectionate pitbull called Babette, who licks my face every morning at six-thirty. I always had a cat for a pet. I’ve never been a dog person. Babette’s wake-up call doesn’t bother me too much because I don’t enjoy sleeping on my couch. I get up earlier than I have to when I’m going to school, and the arguing begins early each day.
She doesn’t trust him because he has always flirted with other women. She makes innuendos that he has more free time at work than he lets on. She says he is never available when she calls. He says it is a park ranger’s duty to be out in the field a lot.
He doesn’t like her having three hour liquid lunches with her boss and clients. She says it’s one of the things an insurance broker has to do.
Each of them makes twice as much as I have ever earned in a year – teaching or working in an office when I lived in Manhattan. I only maintain the apartment in my name as a storage place for all my stuff. I pay a small portion of the rent to keep all my books and belongings behind all the things they have moved in.
As Roy leaves earlier for work than Adrienne does everyday, I have gotten to spend some time alone with her and she tells me how she can’t take the pressure anymore. She keeps a bag packed so that at any moment she might decide to leave. Roy’s three marriages ended when he left each wife. Adrienne says, “I’m not going to be Number Four. If anyone leaves this time, it will be me, and I can take care of myself. I wouldn’t suck Roy dry for alimony like the last one.”
When I point out that that she is not Number Four but actually Number One, she says, “You know, I never really thought of it that way.”
“Well, you should,” I point out, “Why do you think all those marriages failed? Who do you think he always talked to me about when they started to sour?”
On my next to last day in New York, I have the apartment to myself. They are both at work and Babette is in Doggie Daycare. I watch old videotapes of my vacations with Jason and I’m well aware of the urn containing his ashes on the bookcase filled with the volumes of his stamp collection, but I can’t feel his presence in the place anymore. My new luggage is already packed and ready to go. The old black bag with the broken zipper stands empty in a corner. Lying on top of it is the blouse that Adrienne decided not to wear to work. I think of how many places that black bag has been and how it helped me begin the second half of my life.
Roy says to me in a low voice, “Never, ever get involved financially with family.”
Tears are welling in Adrienne’s eyes and I’d like to sympathize, but either my brother or she has already explained to me that Felicia was having her mental problems when the four of them went in together on the house. It was a bad deal from the outset. Charlie soon grew tired of Felicia’s seemingly convenient seizures and walked away from her and the two kids. When she left the house, she rented her half to tenants at a profit which she shared with nobody, but since they have left her extra income has evaporated. Adrienne separated from Artie when she took up again with Roy after twenty-four years apart. She moved in with Roy who has been living in my apartment while I teach in Mexico. Artie is the only person still living in the house in Staten Island.
Now, trying to sell the house is presenting difficulty. And I had to pick this week for a visit home while Adrienne is going through PMS.
They have adopted an affectionate pitbull called Babette, who licks my face every morning at six-thirty. I always had a cat for a pet. I’ve never been a dog person. Babette’s wake-up call doesn’t bother me too much because I don’t enjoy sleeping on my couch. I get up earlier than I have to when I’m going to school, and the arguing begins early each day.
She doesn’t trust him because he has always flirted with other women. She makes innuendos that he has more free time at work than he lets on. She says he is never available when she calls. He says it is a park ranger’s duty to be out in the field a lot.
He doesn’t like her having three hour liquid lunches with her boss and clients. She says it’s one of the things an insurance broker has to do.
Each of them makes twice as much as I have ever earned in a year – teaching or working in an office when I lived in Manhattan. I only maintain the apartment in my name as a storage place for all my stuff. I pay a small portion of the rent to keep all my books and belongings behind all the things they have moved in.
As Roy leaves earlier for work than Adrienne does everyday, I have gotten to spend some time alone with her and she tells me how she can’t take the pressure anymore. She keeps a bag packed so that at any moment she might decide to leave. Roy’s three marriages ended when he left each wife. Adrienne says, “I’m not going to be Number Four. If anyone leaves this time, it will be me, and I can take care of myself. I wouldn’t suck Roy dry for alimony like the last one.”
When I point out that that she is not Number Four but actually Number One, she says, “You know, I never really thought of it that way.”
“Well, you should,” I point out, “Why do you think all those marriages failed? Who do you think he always talked to me about when they started to sour?”
On my next to last day in New York, I have the apartment to myself. They are both at work and Babette is in Doggie Daycare. I watch old videotapes of my vacations with Jason and I’m well aware of the urn containing his ashes on the bookcase filled with the volumes of his stamp collection, but I can’t feel his presence in the place anymore. My new luggage is already packed and ready to go. The old black bag with the broken zipper stands empty in a corner. Lying on top of it is the blouse that Adrienne decided not to wear to work. I think of how many places that black bag has been and how it helped me begin the second half of my life.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Graduation Day
After seven months, we finally compl
And now we begin Semana Santa;
almost a whole week of no work, no
studying. Well, I'm pretty sure I will
be sitting in front of a computer
screen for part of this week.
Next project: working on my Spanish
and getting my naturalization papers.
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